Being Honest

So I joined snap. Im also applying for a job there once i make a cover letter. I hate that stuff. I am not good at it, I fear that it how i feel about my writing skills shows up in any sort of formal written thing. Anyway, today at snap there was this woman. She was built. I dont think it was natural tho. She was very muscular almost like a man. There was that v and i thought she was amazing looking, J thought it was too much, and it probably was, but honestly I want it. I want to fill out everything that hangs off me with muscle. I want to feel strong for once. I want to be on stage. I want to prove to myself that everytime I wished I was someone else it was a waste of time because, I can be who ever I want to be. And hard work pay off. It will pay off and I will get what I want and be who I want with no regrets or fears.

fat girl syndrome

its funny, but I am very very critical of girls in magazines. I look and see what they put in there and decide if it is a bad or good bodyimage. Its weird, thin girls are too thin these days, someone told me the girl in the wellness magazine was “fit” and I asked him what fit is? Is fit thin? to me fit is being thin and having some muscle tone. Saying the girls in victoria secret are fit is a joke, they are thin. When I read a article on how the feature model worked out I thought really, thats not working out, saying you don’t want muscle and just want to be thin is bad in my opinion as well. We lose 5% of our muscles as we age. Just from aging, if you do moderate exercise with heavy weights you will not bulk up unless you are using suplements that all for the bulkyness. Women are just not built that way.  When I read things like I lost 100 pounds and iwent from a 22 to a size 0 I often wonder how its possible. I’ve lost over 100 pounds and will probably never reach a size 4. I could hope for a size 6 and mb a size 4 after some surgery but would I really be happy. Probably not. I want to be able to stand strong well into my old age and have the muscle in my body to support myself. I don’t want to be a frail elderly woman that cannot take care of herself.

The reason I call this post fat girl syndrome is because, even though i am half the person I was before I still compare myself to my friends and get jealous when they lose weight. Or look great in something. It drives me crazy. My brain still goes through the thoughts of why can’t I look that great. Or why does not fit me properly, i just need to lose another 5 poun ds and ill be happy. Ect. Does it ever go away? I sure as hell hope so, and with the weight training I do I will never be a tiny cute petite girl I have to remember that I’m much taller than most women and built sturdy. Get over it girl!!

love, protein, hunger

In no particular order, I should really be in bed , but I just finished baking egg muffins and baked tofu. Baked tofu has easily become one of my favorite things to make. Firm tofu, press in paper towel, marinade over night or for a couple of days. Put in oven 15 mins each side. Bake. take out broil if needed. Yum. Awesome as a side, on top of salads, or even a post workout snack. I love it, different sauces make it taste different each time. Baked eggs, while totally del, take up a LOT of egg white for 12 muffins. Well 11 because I wanted to save 2 whites for breakie. I love cooking healthy food and knowing that its sitting there waiting for me to eat. When you prepare food to store for a few days it helps the whole avoiding eating out and eating healthy. I’ve found that its been the easiest way to keep me on track.

What has NOT kept me on track is the fact that Im sooooo hungry lately. Like I bring so much food with me to work to eat but even after that full feeling 45 mins - 1hour later im hungry. That back of the throat tight hungry. It might be thirst but I drink lots of water 3-4L now. I have to, you should see me sweat.. well maybe you shouldn’t, it may not be the most attractive thing in the world. But honestly I don’t know what to do. Its like there is a craving I cannot seem to satisfy. Oh well Im going to try this more protein thing and see if maybe that’s all I need. :)

I dont know why I decided to write about love. There is something thats bugging me lately, as much as I am happy with my life at the moment. I often wonder what Im missing out on. Is my love for fitness keeping me away from the chance of meeting someone great? Or am I just too picky that I dont even want to look anymore. Hopeless im going with. I think its more that, I currently do not believe there is someone out there that will understand what Im doing, or will get in the way of my goals and so I’m okay with putting the idea of finding love on hold. Im afraid though that by doing this, I will miss oppertunities. It does not help that I am so oblivious to men hitting on me. Im just overly friendly is how one put it. Oh well. 2 jobs, possibly 3, friends/family, working out and trips does NOT leave much time for it anyway. Have a great night

OH DID YOU NOTICE!!! There is a COMMENTS area now :D

Diets

I absolutely hate the word diet. HATE HATE HATE.. I am NOT on a diet. I have changed my eating habits. I eat A LOT of food. I do not starve. Or eat things that are boring. My plate usually is a rainbow, or pretty vibrant colors. The reason I say this is because there is a girl where I tan and she had a eating plan. Whenever i see them I want to snore and say booooring. So boring. Shes not competing, so why give her a competitors diet? Eating the same things is boring, eating things that spike your sugar like rice cakes, does not make sense to me at all. Trainers are no nutritionists and they don’t properly know how to feed other than, lots and lots of water. Yeah you can live on water. 1300-1500 calories is a good “diet” if you want to starve yourself. I mean who can live on that. The average workout alone will burn 400-600 calories so now you’re down to 500-1000 cals that’s starving your poor body, and what does it do in return, store fat and eat  your muscle because it doesn’t know what else to do. Unless you are taking your vitamins I don’t know how anyone would be able to have the energy to putter around.

But then this is why I’ve read books and books on food. The best one still is clean eating, followed by the portion teller, then curves eating book. Yes I said curves.  When I did that it was a interesting book. I love to read books about food. I have yet to finish a few but I cannot stop reading articles on the Internet, watching documentaries. Anything I can get my paws on. Its the perfect brain food. If only I had more time to read :( Oh well mission to finish books is underway!

the negatives and the positives

What do you do when your sabotagers are family and friends you really care about? I still don’t really deal with this problem well, and I have had people ask me this question. Not directly but they text or message me when it happens. The only thing I can do is ignore it really and know that we are doing the best we can for us. I cannot emphasize how important it is not to dwell on it. This is what these energy vampires want you to do. They don’t like their life. They don’t understand why or how you are doing it, and so they say things like “you’re too skinny”, or ” why do you bother you haven’t changed at all” because they want you back to being the way you were before. Less confident in your abilities or unhappy with you’re life so they can feel better about them selves.

Its a power struggle. You gain some and they feel like they are losing out because you are moving ahead and they are either stuck or something is not going in the direction they want and they want you to be sad like they are. Or they dont even  know, that what they are saying is even something that is  going to bother you. People don’t realize that their words, especially when its someone you look up too or care about, really sting when its something negative. Instead of saying you look great they say, “you’re too skinny” or congrats on keeping up at the gym they say “why do you post that on face book, you just look like some wannabe”. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and say I don’t do this for you, I do this for me.  

I believe in myself and I will NOT let anyone change that.

Im grumpy and i know it

This week has been hard core the blahs week. I have not wanted to get up at all!! Its really disappointing but it happens about every few weeks or so. I just feel like throwing in the towel. I have this little voice that says “I don’t care anymore. Give up already. Its all for nothing. You’re never going to compete and you’re dumb for thinking of doing it!” I dont know why I think that. I hate the slumps. I hate the negativity. It drives me bananas, but then I go to boxing and get this said to me “we missed you yesterday” “I love your energy you bring” and “you’re a warrior”. It makes you remember why you do this. Because you love who you are. You are a fighter and you haven’t given up yet even though you wanted to 100 times before. Whats funny though is even when I want to give up the workouts and stuff. I still look at food as junk. The idea of going back to burgers, pizza , chicken, beef and all that other food that I don’t eat anymore grosses me out. It makes me feel heavy just thinking about it, and so I know deep down that im committed.

A good bonus moment was when my friend went to boxing and he posted that he’s in pain and almost vomited after class. ;) Hes always been fairly fit, when I met him he was a bulky strong man. Hes toned down A LOT, and its a good feeling when you can do the workout and not feel that way :D

Rest day

Im taking the day off and feeling quite guilty about it. I’ve been exhausted. I don’t really know why. Not body tired, but in the brain like I just don’t want to do anything. I think it has to do with my not running outside. I like the freshair. But its been too cold and being a gym buddy you don’t really get a chance to, but it may be that boxing and gym time has just been too much. I feel guilty because this will be 3 days off this week. OMG. Now I know Im addicted but I feel its well needed anyway because fight club is coming up and I need all the energy I can muster in order to complete it.

Yesterday was such an off day even the coach running the class yesterday said he could see it in me. Grr i hate when that happens. I still pushed but it wasnt the same at all. So clean eating, lots of water and a latte for today.

The days you want to give up because you’re too tired. Are the days you HAVE to do it. Otherwise you are just falling back into old habits. They are easier but you are not that person anymore. You are stronger than that. <3 I can do this.